0:01 - Last week we launched the series and the basic idea of the question, the series you want to go after this, can people really change? And I'll tell you where that idea comes from. It's this idea that I have kind of experienced some of that where people say we can change and you think, well, I'll immediately go into behavior modification mode and so you know, Tommy need to be less angry. So okay, okay, I'm going to try to change my behavior. I'm going to be less angrier. You know, you need to be kinder, so I'm going to change to ivy kinder or be more sensitive. I'm going to change. I'd be more sensitive, or whatever it is, I go into this behavior modification mode, but here's what I have learned about behavior modification is ultimately eventually it will let you down or it doesn't work over the long haul so I can maybe for you for a moment or for you for a day, but eventually that behavior modification will let me down or we'll let you down.

0:47 - It's like a bandaid solution to real change. And so again, the question is can people really change? Jesus comes to the planet, whatever you think about Jesus, whoever you think he was, he comes to the planet and he teaches and that we can actually change. For reals, we can change like from the inside out. Jesus taught. So in other words, he said the change that can take places, if the inside can change and the outside stuff would also follow if the inside can get healthier than the outside will get healthier as well at the inside can be redeemed and restored and forgiven than our relationships outside can actually change as well. So that's kind of what Jesus son, if that's possible. The question that naturally comes to mind is how can we change and more specifically change into what? Because change just for change sake is an accident.

1:41 - You know, that's not a kicks and giggles. Single change itself is not good. But change into what? Well, this has kinda been the theme verse of our whole series that we're going to kind of know on for the series. It says, it's Paul writing to Galatians and he says this, it's for freedom that Christ has set us free. Let's pause a minute. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. There's the change, so whatever change Jesus came to teach us, we have to decide whether or not we buy into it, but Jesus said the thing he was selling was that you can actually be free. You can. There could be freedom, so stand firm. Then don't let yourselves be burdened again by going back to what made you not free. Now, this verse is vitally important as we go into the deep waters we're headed into this morning.

2:28 - You're going to have to remember this verse, and so we're going to bring it up again and a little bit, but just remember that according to what scripture teaches, whether you buy it or not, a quota, what scripture teaches it is for freedom that Christ has set tom free. She remember that part. So without Jesus, at least according to scripture, basically were not able to fix ourselves. Without Jesus. We really can't do anything and there may be part of us that sort of wants to resist that idea, but let me ask you this question. If you could change what has you imprisoned or bondage or slavery, if you could change that part of you that is an emotional distress all the time, or if you could change that part of you that seems to be broken or that pastor, that upbringing or whatever it is, wouldn't you have already changed that?

3:20 - Because I would have. If I could change those parts of me that are less than shiny, I certainly would have changed them and nobody would want to. Wants to walk around, jacked up all the time. We would fix that. We was figuring out how to do that, but the problem is we can't change ourselves. Longterm lasting change. So last week we introduced this process for change and I gave you three elements for change and then the end of the message, I try to give you an illustration from scripture of what that change looked like and it featured a lady in scripture that we don't even know her name. We don't know what color eyes she had her color hair. We don't have tall. She was. We didn't know where she was raised or background. All we know is her label in her label was she's an adulterer.

4:05 - Okay. She, she got she. She stepped outside of her marriage covenant with someone who stepped outside their marriage covenant and that that's the label we have and in that moment when that, when that lady was brought before Jesus, the world was introduced to something that it had never seen before in the moment where the woman is brought before Jesus with just her label. Jesus taught the world grace. And so I went back and I revisited my change paradigm thing that I gave you last week and I thought, you know, this whole thing has to start in grace. The whole thing has to begin in grace. And so let's talk about grace is kind of like this step one of this change idea when many of us think of grace, but we think about is this huge cloud of cotton candy that we just eat and eat and eat, but really don't know what it is.

4:51 - But grace actually has teeth to it. That's kind of a cheap idea of grace. Grace has more definition than that. So. So let me give you at least two elements to grace. Sometimes in our lives we see revealing grace. This is the time when God, through His mercy and grace reveals we're holding onto something different than what God says is right and true. So a lot of folks in the room, you're actually doing this as it relates to how you see yourself. You're holding onto something different than what God says is right and true. We'll do it in other relationships about how we see other people we hold on to something different than what God says is right and true, but one of the things that God's grace does in the life of people who believe is he reveals things to us. Things that are right and true, and things that we could embrace as being right in true.

5:44 - So we have this revealing grace, but then there's also, there's this restoring grace. This is a grace that restores our soul from the inside and gives us the strength for what is outside. And these two grace ideas worked together, God reveals what is right and true, and then you and I decide what to do it do with it, and then he will restore what he designed for us all along on the inside. That's grace. Once we kind of had this idea of grace at play in our lives, the next step we talked about change was a vision, but now we actually have a grace filled vision. It's seeing our person or a problem or our past or our president, our prognosis all through the eyes of a change soul that has interacted with grace. Someone who has encountered Jesus had been changed and been set free.

6:37 - So grace and vision. And then we talked about intention. Once we truly receive grace and once we truly get a vision for what am I look like now the question comes, do we wanna that's intense and be a want to do whatever it takes. Last step of the process with strategy. What's the plan? Nothing changes until we put a strategy in place. Now if all that stuff is, it's kind of review, but if you miss last week and all that stuff, you'd like to understand more, go online, watch the message from last week and you can get the full kind of meat and potatoes part of that service. So for the rest of the series, what I want to do is I want to take that, those elements of change and I want to apply them to different areas of our lives and today the area we're going to apply it to is this.

7:25 - Can people really change when it comes to family and friends? And now you know, I took the offering before I told you what we're going to talk about, you know, because this is a tough one, isn't it? This is a tough topic. Can people really change when it comes to family and friends? Have you ever been hurt by family or friends? Don't raise your hand. Of course you have. In fact, if you're like me, you could form a list of people or relationships where you have been hurt or caused hurt, and maybe even this week for our time together. What I want you to do is this, if you want to engage this whole talk, take of a relationship that has caused hurt and bring it forward, I'm talking about a long term relationship, not like somebody said something bad or I'm talking about a long term relationship and bring it forward and focus on that one relationship today.

8:15 - Something changed. Maybe you were friends for decades and then something changed. Maybe everything was going great, and then for some reason the whole thing fell apart. For whatever reason you both walked away or maybe you know you got hurt and nothing's ever been repaired. One of the most profound insights from me in the area of relationships actually comes from the world of science and the second law of thermodynamics, as I understand it, second law of thermodynamics would essentially be this. If there isn't a constant introduction to have outside energy to something, then everything will move from order to disorder or disorder and chaos. So what what this is saying is if something doesn't, from the outside, things will naturally spiral into order into disorder and chaos. For our purposes, if you were preaching this, if there is not an introduction to an outside energy, like say Jesus saying, I've come to set you free, you see everything will move from order to disorder and most of us could probably identify relationships in our lives where this happened.

9:22 - Sometimes we felt we did everything right and that relationship's still turned sour. We still got left. The person stopped taking our calls. The person's still attacks. The person's still angry. The person is still walled themselves up away from us. And the relationship ended. However it happened. We all know the pain, uh, relationships. So this week when I was writing, I wrote down a sentence and I had to make sure that the sentence was true and I'm thinking about the point where actually willing to say, I think this sentence is now true. So you can tell me what you think it's true. But here's what I would say, at least when it comes to relationship. See if you agree with me, probably the greatest pain that the good folks of it alive have experienced. And the greatest pain that you and I have caused was always in the context of a relationship, the fair.

10:13 - That's probably it. I mean, I wasn't walking down the road one day by myself and all the sudden, oh, that hurt me so bad. What? Nothing. It's always, it's always in the context of a relationship and the pain that I've caused the most is in the context of a relationship. And that's why relationships are such a big deal. It's why scripture teaches relationships are such a big deal. Paul writes the majority of the New Testament and most of the time when he wrote the New Testament, wrote the parts of it. He was addressing letters to a specific church and a specific problem, but he writes this one letter and he's really not addressing a specific problem. He just saying, here's what it looks like to live with Jesus because they didn't know what that was about is brand new. And so this is already writes in Ephesians chapter four, verse 31.

11:02 - Now I got a sick sense of humor as you know. And so I'm going to hopefully take you on that journey with me in this verse. So here's how this goes. That Paul says, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander. Pause. Apparently in this church, brawling was a deal. It was a real deal. Can you imagine getting in your car before you go to lunch? And then two people or two girls, whatever out there slugging it out. And you know, if he listed it, it actually happened. Well, net, I'm going to punch you in the mouth after church. You know what I mean? That's kind of what was going on right here. And so this church was kind of getting together and they didn't hold bitterness. They went outside and laid hands on each other. You know, that was kind of what happened. And so brawling and slander. So we get rid of bitterness, rage, anger, slander. But brawling, is that an option? Should we put a safety team in charge? But anyway, along with every form malice, which we've seen, then watch this, be kind and compassionate to one another. Can you imagine being ned? Reading the letter who laid hands on Billy Bob. This is a southern church by the way. He laid hands on Billy Bob last week. You know, can you imagine? Well, I guess I shouldn't push billy Bob and face

12:11 - billy. Bob. I'm sorry I hit you in the face. You know what I mean? That kind of. That's kind of a Paul was addressing in this conversation. Be Compassionate to what? Then check this out.

12:19 - Forgive each other just as Christ forgave you.

12:27 - Oh, now that's different.

12:32 - It's not just the united get along. It's not just so that you've all of a sudden are nice and I can get along with you,

12:39 - but actually forgiving you for hurting me because God forgave me. That's a different dynamic. What is interesting to me is how often does scripture connects the grace I have received with the grace that I extend to other people and what I've determined is a majority of relationship drama and trauma has nothing to do with extending. Grace

13:08 - has more to do with holding grace in. So Paul says,

13:16 - just as Christ forgave you, Jesus said the same thing, a sermon on the mount. He says at numerous places, but the greatest pain you've ever experienced, the greatest pain you've caused was in the context of relationship. Jesus says, so when you come to worship, when you're offering your gift, when you come to worship at alive and if you're a member, your brother or sister has something against you. Stop Worshiping. How about that? Leave? Of course, if you leave now we're all gonna know, but I mean, and sometimes you get as lead even before the altar and go watch this first be reconciled to the brother and sister. Then come and worship. Don't come in and pretend like it's not.

13:54 - So that leads to a couple of questions.

13:59 - Why do we need grace and why am I supposed to give it away? And I guess I guess the one word answer to that would maybe be sin.

14:14 - Apparently you and I, we've all done something held onto something, believes something negative or untrue about someone else believes something different than what God says we are and what God says we're worth or what is true about another person. We've all done this in our relationships and as a result of sin, we've done some stuff that doesn't lead to life for ourselves or the people we're in relationship with. It actually causes pain

14:40 - and consequences follow,

14:43 - and as a result of sin and relationships, we all have stuff for which we need to be forgiven and stuff for which we all need to be set free and we couldn't set free. So God said, I've given you grace so you could be free and you can extend that grace to someone else, but here's the part of Christianity that is tough. That grace that you and I have received is the same grace that is to be offered to the other part of that relationship.

15:23 - Doesn't that stink?

15:25 - I mean, really isn't that kind of the ultimate rip off right there? I mean, it was so easy at that moment. I mean I want to receive grace and I want to give receive mercy and God helped me and God make me better and God made me a better person and then God says, and not give that away. And you're like, what? Say what? Give what away, see what, what a truth is. Most people I interact with and maybe even this pastor, sometimes I want to receive grace, but I want to give condemnation. I want to be seen in the eyes of grace, but then I don't want to give it back or send it to you. Lord, forgive me, remove my shame and guilt and all the mistakes I've made. I'm undeserving, but Lord, if at all possible, do strike them down and give them a rash, a really bad rash and maybe some boils, that'd be fantastic. Do you know forgiveness and canceling a debt or the same word? It's helped me to think about that because what scripture is teaching is this. You want to be free like Paul talks in Galatians, receive God's grace that is extended to you and then canceled the debt you feel somebody owes you.

16:32 - That's freedom.

16:33 - Canceled the needs you're holding on for that person to make it right. As I reflect on the pain in my relationships, because all of us carry this, some, some of these relationships have extended for decades. People that have hurt me or hurt that I've caused, here's what I've come to see. If you can relate. I've come to the realization that the person I struggle to forgive the person I wished, condemnation or the plague or they get hit by a bus or whatever, it's dark in here, whatever that is, that person doesn't even have the power to make things right anymore, but I'm acting as if they do. I'm holding them in hostage as if somehow they could come write me a love letter and like give me a puppy and everything would be wonderful for between us, but they can't. They don't even have the power to make that right.

17:32 - It would be impossible for that person. Maybe the person you pulled forth as the object that you're going to talk about today, it'd be impossible for that person to give you what you feel you're owed. Even if I returned to hurt back to them, even if I gave them what they gave me, even if I repay evil for evil, even if I portrayed as they betrayed me, even if I, if I, if I started speaking poorly or bad about them, like they're speaking poorly and bad about me, even if I misunderstand and hurt them like they misunderstand, it hurt me. All those things wouldn't make it right. Things wouldn't be fixed even if that happened. So now I find myself as my theology often leads me to with these two deals on the table and I have to decide which deal to take. I can either cancel the debt that I think somebody owes me or I can continue to live locked up.

18:22 - Okay.

18:24 - I can either cancel the debt saying I forgive the hurt for good the wrong, forgive them, ms dot treatment, forgive all that. Or I can stay locked up and here's what I've learned. If I stay locked up, I will continue to beat the fool out of people in my relationships. Right? I continued to repeat that. So the question becomes, if those are the two deals on the table, how

18:48 - if I want to be free this side of my funeral, I'm fine when heaven, I get that, but if want to be free between now and the. I figured I'm over the hump. I figured 52, so I figured I've got like a 51 years left and so if I'm over the hump and I want to live the rest of my life in a certain way, what does that look like? No. Listen, I'm not saying to pretend you weren't hurt. That's, that's, that's, that's dumb. I'm sure there's a better word than that, but that's kind of. Don't. Don't pretend like you weren't portrayed or you weren't officially slighted. I mean there's legit wrong that happened. This isn't ostrich theology where you stick your head in the sand and swallows them grace and pretend everything's peachy keen. That's not it, but scripture does teach. We can cancel it. We feel that person owes us. Now I want you to think about that person you brought forward and put them out in front. People that hurt you for decades hurts you when your kid hurt you in your marriage, whatever, and what scripture just said as we need to cancel the debt.

20:04 - Doesn't that sound impossible?

20:07 - You know why

20:09 - it is. It's absolutely impossible. There's not a snowball's chance in a very warm place that that is actually going to happen. That's impossible to do. It's impossible. Nobody can do that and now you understand why that verse I shared the very beginning matters. Now you understand what the second law of thermodynamics was teaching and what Paul is teaching in Galatians is something outside of us has to move inside of us and then give us a different life, a different view, and a different medium, and that's what Jesus provides when he says it is for freedom that has set us free. Now stand firm. It would be impossible if Jesus hadn't done this for me. Never in all the decades of preaching and teaching have I felt that a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is so vitally important as I see illustrated in this particular series of what we're dealing with right now, unless we dial in and tap into the fact that Jesus has set us free, don't go into the business of forgiveness because you won't be able to do it. Then neither would I, but because Jesus set me free,

21:29 - that's grace

21:32 - and that means I can live with grace when it comes to relating to you too, but nothing changes. Still. We start implementing

21:53 - the other part of this process. Do you find this card? You might be sitting on it, which would be kind of awkward, but that's where it is. So if you'd get this car and maybe pull it front center we use for a minute and maybe you even want to. Some of you are note takers. You want to do note taking on this. That'd be fantastic. Here's what I've learned to the two services this morning. You don't want to write the person's name that you are trying to pull out on the front line there. You don't put, don't put their name at the top. Hey Lisa, see that this is about you. You know, don't do that. That's not what this is for. You may want to use a code, you know, maybe even to talk about, you know, like a skull and crossbones or you know, whatever it is that you want to do, but there may be a code and we can start talking about what this process looks like. So now we're putting butter bread and I'm just want to walk through it with you right now for you to decide whether you want to do it well. Step one is grace. When it comes to dealing with this person who we have pulled forward and dealing with the hurt that we have received,

22:45 - revealing grace. What is God revealing? What is His grace revealing in you that you are holding onto that is different than what God says is right and true. When it comes to this hurt and this person who is hurting you, what is it you're holding onto, that gracest greatest taught you you're holding onto is different than what God says is right and true, and oftentimes it's that I want to receive the grace, but God wants to give that person grace too, and that's something that God's got to reveal to us.

23:18 - Restoring grace. What is the grace that restores our soul from the inside that can give you strength? What is the grace that God has given? You say, Hey, look, that was wrong, but you've been forgiven. You've been set free. What is he teaching you that that's the point where you are bold over that God has been gracious to you. My grandfather used to teach me this model of having your hat in your hand and your head bowed when you would interact with people humble position. What would that look like? In a grace filled relationship, head is bowed heartbroken. Why? Because God did it for you.

23:50 - God did it for you because God did it for me. I have no, no opportunity, no privileged to steamroll you because God poured his grace out to me when I didn't deserve it, and you're rich. You when you come to that understanding and we come off our high horses and we come off our sense of being offended and instead we related our brokenness. Man, you want to most jacked up people I know and you know what? So am I, and we start. Instead of saying I'm better than you, we started saying, hi, I got problems in soda. You. Let's figure if we can work this out together.

24:27 - That's grace for me. Vision.

24:32 - What would your life be like? What would that relationship be like? If what would it look like if that relationship that I asked you to wrestle with at the very beginning was wrecked by grace. What would your marriage look like? You've changed or broken in life. Giving love was poured out to both of you.

24:53 - Suppose you go home today and there's a knock on the door and you opened the door. Thinking is Jehovah witness, but it's actually Jesus Jehovah, and Jesus says, Hey, I want to come into the house today. I'm going to come into your home and this is what we're going to do. You come in, you sit down with anybody can be spiritual for an hour, and so you sit there and have this conversation with you like coffee, you know, you know, I have this conversation with Jesus children, husband that's all act wife, that's all act kind of really spiritual right now. And um, and so we have this moment. And then Jesus says, here's my plan. I'm going to live with you and your family for a week.

25:32 - Okay?

25:34 - And that's when we'll get up and say, where are those Jehovah's Witnesses? Because I think I'd rather have them than what Jesus is getting ready to offer. He said, I'm going to live with you for a week and at the end of the week I'm going to give you one word that describes your marriage, how you relate to your kids, how you relate to your coworkers. I'm going to give you one word, how you relate to your parents. The week goes by, Jesus gathers the whole family into the room and he sits down with everybody and says, I've enjoyed being with you all for this entire week. So here comes my word question. What would you want the one word to be?

26:18 - That's the vision. That's the vision.

26:24 - Whatever you want that one word to be. That's how you begin to identify what the vision is for what God wants to do in that relationship. What would you want the one word to be? Lisa and I had a change of vision in our marriage about 25 years ago. Instead of approaching the whole thing about what's in it for me, my hurt, my knees, we put all that aside and we decided and we started using this terminology and or it's stuck. It's been in part of our lives for a year. We've entered the battle part of our lives for years. We've entered the battle for each other's soul, so I'm fighting alongside her. She's fighting alongside me and she's a scrappy little fighter and we'll work together to make sure we both finished well. Does that make sense?

27:06 - That's a new vision for relationship.

27:09 - I don't know if they have any chip and Joanna Gaines fans in the room, but this is one of my favorite pictures. In fact, I keep this picture on my phone and so this is beautiful because it's a great model for me, not only for my marriage but also for what I'm speaking about as far as relationships go. So here we have Joanna and she selling on the today show I think, and she's hitting it out of the park. She's amazing. She's beautiful, but what I love about the picture is that guy right there.

27:37 - I love that picture

27:39 - and it's easy for me to do with Lisa. So Lisa sitting there on the buffet and the mind beverage right now, leeches. I sitting there and I'm out there and you go, they say, you know, take it, whatever it is you're going to do. Hit at a park. I got you girl. I'm with you 100 percent. The vision has to take whoever it is we brought forward in that relationship drama and put them on the stool

28:01 - and still have that kind of approach. That vision. You follow,

28:07 - I know you beat the full out of me, but I hope you are ripped by grace. I hope you are torn up with the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ because he poured it out on me and it wrecked me and if I got wrecked by it, I want everybody to be wrecked by it,

28:22 - including you. That's vision. You say, Tom, that's impossible. I know and I would agree with you except some time ago. Jesus set me free and if you'll allow me without pushing the illustration too far, sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on a stool. Jesus is outside. Come on, boy, hit out of the park. You got this beautiful. That's vision intent. Do you want it with that person you brought forward? Do you want it?

29:08 - Are you willing to say, from this point forward, I will do everything I can to move toward that vision?

29:15 - No pause. Some of you aren't there.

29:20 - As we brought that person forward, you say, Tom, there's no. There's no way that's not gonna happen and and I get that. I appreciate your honesty. You're still mad. Still untrusting. Still angry. Still bitter. Still hurt, whatever. Maybe you even disagree with God. Whatever it is, that's, that's fine. Just be real and be honest and if you're following along in this process, if you get to this point, you've got the vision, you get the intentions. I'm not into it. We'll go

29:42 - back to step one and let God put you in a season of his grace that God show how he gave us what we didn't deserve. It's not a quick two pills and call me in the morning thing. This is a very difficult thing for us. I've been doing a year, the man with Thomas for about three years now because of his mentors. A little slow on a lot of things, but uh, we had a trip planned and part of that trip was a conversation and I said, son, I'm the most important thing that I think God gave you outside of his forgiveness is your will and your ability to choose. And you have the ability to choose what is good or choose what is evil, not just when it comes to actual sin, but when it comes to relating and how you relate to people. When it comes to venture as a married man, as a, as a father, you have the ability to choose what is good or what is wrong, what is evil? If I decide something that's one of the most powerful forces God has given to all of us, the power of the will, so this is the question, what if you use the power of the will in your relationship? What would your intent be? Do you want it?

30:58 - Step four is strategy. I tried to think of a different word to give you here after strategy, but I don't think I could get around it, so if I get this idea of God has given me grace and receiving that grace, and then I began to think of what a vision would look like if I could put that person on that stool and cheer them through and then I think I intend to do this. What will the strategy be? I think the first strategy is this. I got to repent. Even when it comes to relating to people, I have to repent. What does that mean? I got to rethink how I think about everything, especially when it comes to you.

31:42 - I got to see you as a person in need of grace, like I'm a person needed grace. I got to be a person who's willing to extend grace to you even when you don't deserve it. Why? Because I've been extended grace, so I got to rethink how I think about everything. Why? Well, because I've been involved in a game changer was the game changer. Jesus came forward and he set me free and then he said this, my kingdom is now available to you, Tom, and that changes everything. All of a sudden it's no longer limited to what I can and cannot do, but now now the divine has entered our conversation and his kingdom's now available. So strategy. What's one thing you can do to move that relationship forward?

32:35 - Now, listen,

32:37 - I could insult you now by putting a pretty bow on this and sprinkling you with fairy dust and say, now go do this, but it's not going to work that way. That's why we wanted you to have this.

32:52 - That's how I want you to go and slap it on your fridge or whatever you the mirror, wherever you know, wherever you look at the most,

32:58 - um, because this takes time. This is the healing process, but that's the part I want you to see that this process works.

33:13 - It may be a small hurt and maybe a couple of weeks. It may be a major hurt. It may be a, it may be 10 years. I've got hurt in my life I've been working on for 30 years,

33:24 - but I'm following a process and so I'm not going to insult you by saying this is an easy thing to do. I'm going to tell you this is a really hard thing to do really hard, but if you want to do it, grace, vision, intention, and strategy is a good way to have good path to fall. Jesus, thank you for your goodness and these great folks. Lord, sometimes this pastor heart kicks in and I almost want to circle everybody up in arms and, and hold them and protect them and help them through whatever relationship they're working on. I want them to circle me in their arms and do the same thing because I know this is painful. I know it's painful. I know it is painful

34:09 - and I know that we've been toying around with the most sensitive parts that all of us carry in his life.

34:15 - So Lord, we need you to be our pastor right now, right now. We need you to come into, speak to us about that relationship, that person, or maybe we need you to speak to us about why we haven't engaged this conversation. And Lord, we need you to do an amazing divine work. We didn't set ourselves free. You set us free. So Lord, come minister to us in these next few moments. Use the song, used the prayers minister to us, and uh, and we, we want to be free in your name. Amen.